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Date: Mon, 4 Oct 93 12:42:21 bst From: Lloyd Wood <L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk> COMMENTS FROM SATISFIED USERS OF PREVIOUS COMP.SYS.MAC.TESTS: "I am still laughing..." "I stand up and clap: BRAVO" "'Funny' is an understatement." "ftp'd it, read it, lived it, laughed." Praise indeed! Okay, here we go.... You've probably seen and scored yourself on the Purity Test, the Talk.Bizarre test, the Nerd test, and numerous others. You need more trivia to rate yourself against the rest of the world. You need trivia you understand. You need trivia you can care about. And so, for the third time, we present the... OFFICIAL COMP.SYS.MAC TEST (NOT)! VERSION 3!!! (C) L.H.Wood@lut.ac.uk and friends Based on the sayings and doings of the group over the recent months. This October 1993 test may be out of date very soon - suggestions are welcome, because we've just run out of ideas. This test is scored purely on experience points. If you can answer 'yes' to a question, it's an experience point, and you follow the indented related questions in that cascade. If you answer no, score nothing for that question, and look at the next question at the same indentation level. Score an extra point every time you admit to feeling smug. The more the points, the more your guru status, and the smugger you must be. If you score maximum points, you obviously cheated. This test is not for the humo(u)r... differently-abled. :-) :-) :-) EASY STARTERS Do you own a Mac? Do you feel smug? HISTORY Do you know how much the Lisa cost at launch? Did you buy one? Was it tax-deductible as business equipment? Did you get rid of it eventually? By donating it to a landfill for a tax break? Do you know how much the Portable weighed at launch? Did you buy one? Did you ever lock your bicycle to it? Did you get rid of it eventually? By dropping it on soft ground to let it sink its own landfill? Did you take it on your travels? By bicycle? Just to lower the centre of gravity? Into orbit? Did you aim those floppy disks at your crewmates before ejecting? Did your budget stretch to an AppleLink account? Was it finally truly portable? Do you know how much memory the IIfx had at launch? Did you buy one? Did you plug an accelerator into the PDS slot? Did you get rid of it eventually? By putting the wrong SCSI terminators on it? PORTS Do you know what SCSI is? Can you pronounce it? Do you own a SCSI device? Do you own more than two SCSI devices? Do you own more than eight SCSI devices? Find out how far you can stretch your SCSI chain and still have it work: At least 2 feet? At least 4 feet? At least 8 feet? At least 16 feet? Have you ever got a SCSI chain to work? Do you know how you did it? Have you dared alter it since? Have you ever destroyed a SCSI device? A) By plugging it in with the power on? B) By jumping up and down on it because you couldn't get it work? C) By trying B) after A)? How many SCSI devices can you put in a chain? Seven? Eight? How many SCSI devices can you put in a chain and have it work? One? Two? Three or more? Do you feel smug? Do you know what ADB is? Do you own an ADB device? Do you own more than two ADB devices? Do you own more than three ADB devices? Have you ever damaged an ADB device? By plugging it in with the power on? By wearing out your mouse? By pressing your mouse button? Was it a Malaysian mouse button? Could you fix it? Did you have Easy Access installed? Did you use it? Do you feel smug? Do you know what serial is? Did you have some for breakfast? Do you feel the serial port ought to be a 25-way? So then you can buy Macs as they meet compatibility criteria? Because you can always buy a 25-way plug and build a lead? Because more pins equates to more speed? Because you're never sure if the GPi pin is supported, dammit? Do you know what PDS is? Do you know what cards you can fit into your PDS slot? Will they work? Do you know what cards you can't? Because they won't fit into the slot? Because they won't fit into the case? Because they won't work when they're fitted? How many PDS variations do you think there are: At least 2? At least 4? At least 8? At least 16? One per Mac model? One per PDS card? Do you know what Nubus is? Do you know what cards you can fit into your Nubus slot(s)? Will they work? Do you know what cards you can't? Because they won't fit into the case? Because the case will melt? Because all your Nubus slots are filled? With video cards? Do you feel smug? With Rockets? Do you feel very smug indeed? YOUR WORLD. YOUR MONEY. Are you now, or have you ever been, a FiloFax owner? When you first saw played with a Newton, was the first thing you said: "Where's the cover?" "Where's the joypad?" "Where's the contrast?" "Where's the software?" "Does it come with Tetris?" "Will it run Zarch?" "I didn't write THAT." Do you have a Newton on order? Do you have a Newton? Do you feel smug? Does it recognise your handwriting? On a regular basis? Correctly? Do you feel very smug indeed? Did you have a Newton? Did you make a profit on selling it? Do you feel smug? Did you buy another one? Do you feel very smug indeed? Do you sell Newtons by: Showing people how well it can recognize your handwriting? Do you sell many Newtons? Showing people how well it can recognize their handwriting? Do you sell any Newtons? Pointing out the number of shipping applications? Including the ones from Microsoft? Pointing out how well you can play games on it? Even though there isn't a plug-in joypad? And there aren't any games? And it doesn't say 'Nintendo' on it? Pointing out the wireless communication facilities? Available soon in a country near you? Just taking the money and saying they'll be in stock sometime soon? CRASHING Did your System ever seem to take up a lot of memory? Did you ever post asking why? Did you follow yourself up, asking for no more replies, please? Did you show off your knowledge by replying to someone else asking why? Did they follow themselves up, asking for no more replies, please? Do you think this will ever stop? Even though 24-bit mode is removed from new Mac releases? Do you now know what 32-bit addressing is? Does your Mac run faster when you turn it on? Do you know why? Can you prove it? Does your Mac crash when you turn it on? Is it a programming error on your part? Does your Mac refuse to start up if you turn it on? Is it a programming error on your part? Does your Mac crash when you turn it off? Is it a programming error on your part? Does your Mac refuse to start up if you turn it off? Is it a programming error on your part? Does your Mac crash anyway? But only when it's turned on? Do you resolve not to turn your Mac on? Even for screensavers? Is it a programming error on your part? Did you install MacsBug? Does it make you feel more confident? Does your Mac seem to crash more often? But only in the screensaver? SCREEN DEPTHS Do you have color? Do you feel smug? Were you smug? Back when no-one else had it? Even though all you had was Crystal Quest? Do you think it's necessary? Only for games? Only for pre-press? Do you think it's remotely useful? Do you have 2-bit color? Do you think it's necessary? Do you think it's remotely useful? Does anyone? Do you have 16-bit color? Do you feel very smug? Do you think it's necessary? Only for QuickTime? Do you have 24-bit color? Do you feel extremely smug? Do you think it's necessary? For you? Do you have 16- AND 24-bit color? Do you feel extremely smug indeed? On an active-matrix display? Do you feel ridiculously smug? Are you ahead of your time? LEVELS OF TECHNICAL EXPERTISE What does 'ATM' stand for: at the moment? About This Macintosh...? Adobe Type Manager? Asynchronous Transfer Mode? FIXING THINGS YOURSELF Do you know what the desktop files are? Have you ever rebuilt them? And then rebuilt them again? Did all your folders stay vanished? Did Tune-Up 1.1.1 arrive just that little too late? Did Disk First Aid 7.1 fix your hard disk? Did the Disk Bug Checker get you very worried indeed? Did the Software Update sort you out? Do you know what the desktop files are? Have you ever removed them? What, all of them? What, all three of them? What are you, nuts? Do you know what a bundle bit is? Have you ever had to change one? Did it make a difference? Even when you remembered to rebuild your desktop files? Have you reformatted your hard disk to reclaim the unused space? Did you remember to back up your hard disk first? Onto another hard disk? Did you accidentally format both hard disks? Onto the same hard disk? Onto the same partition? Could you use your hard disk afterwards? Did you have exactly the same amount of space as before? Do you know why? Could you fix it? (HINT: Remove the existing Mac partition in Custom first.) Have you ever installed a third-party driver? And wished you hadn't? But only when you turned on Virtual Memory? Could you de-install it? Without losing data? Do you feel smug? Do you wish Virtual Memory was virtual? Do you wish Virtual Memory was fast? Do you wish Virtual Memory was space-efficient? Do you wish you owned shares in Connectix? Have you ever installed a transparent compressor? And wished it really was transparent? And wished you knew how much disk space you really had free? And wished you could de-install it? UPGRADING SYSTEM SOFTWARE Did you upgrade to System 7? And then downgrade to System 6? Because you had no memory left to run apps? Because your favorite apps would crash the Mac? Because your favorite games would crash the Mac? Because your favorite INITs would crash the Mac? Because your colleagues threatened to kill you if you didn't? Because you kept resetting the laser printer between jobs? Because you kept going 'Gee, isn't this neat?' Because you kept using theirs to run apps that wouldn't run on yours? Because only theirs had enough free memory? Because you had turned on 32-bit addressing? Because theirs were so much faster? Did you upgrade to System 7.1? Did you pay for it? Did you demand a refund? Even after the Hardware Update arrived? Even after the Hardware Update 2 arrived? Only after the Hardware Update 2 arrived? Are you using it with WorldScript? Will you be using it with WorldScript when the bits you need finally arrive? And you can buy them in the country you live in? From your AppleCentre? Without waiting while they order it? From another country? By sea? Are you using it with AppleScript? Will you be using it with AppleScript when the scriptable Finder you need finally arrives? And you can buy it without subscribing to the developer program? Are you using it with an Enabler? Do you feel safe? Because that means all the bugs get fixed easily? Because upgrading Enablers is a pain-free process? Have you tried it? Because you'll never accidentally throw the Enabler away? Are you sure? Because you've tried it? And you'll never accidentally throw the Enabler away again? Are you using it without an Enabler? Do you feel safe? Because that means all the bugs must be fixed? Even the bugs fixed by the Hardware System Update? And the Hardware System Update 2? Do you think they're hardware bugs? Do you think real hardware bugs can be fixed in software? Are you waiting for the '24-bit colour' hardware update disk? And the '68060 processor' hardware update disk? For your Plus? Did you upgrade to System 6.0.6 to .8 or 7.0.1 on a floppy-only SE or Plus? Are you a masochist? And then downgrade to System 6.0.5 or less? And then upgrade to a Macquarium(TM)? Because the fish screensaver was more realistic? And ran faster? Do you feel smug? Did your Mac come with System 6.0.6? On the Networking Products Installer disk? Have you ever used the Networking Products Installer disk? To install a networking product? On a network? Did your Mac come with System: On 400K disks? On 800K disks? On 1.4M disks? Did your Powerbook come with a floppy drive? With the SCSI cable you needed? On CD-ROM? Did your Mac come with a CD-ROM drive? On 720K disks? On these funny square plastic and metal things? On 2.8M disks? Does your Mac say 'PowerPC' on the front? Do you feel smug? Are you still looking for the System disks? Did you make System disks from the hard disk as soon as you unpacked the Performa? Do you feel smug? Do you wish you had? Did you install At Ease? And then de-install it? Could you figure out how to circumvent it? Could anyone else you know? Do you remove the 'dbex' resource from the System file as a matter of course? And then wish you hadn't? Do you know what OmegaSANE is? Do you want it? Have you got it? Did you alter your installed system in any way to get it? By dusting off your set of Developer CD-ROMs and reinstalling the INIT? Do you feel smug? Do you know what a Ramdisk is? Do you want one? Have you got one? Can you start up from one? Does your Ramdisk plug into a Nubus slot? Do you feel smug? Do you know what a CD-ROM drive is? Do you want one? Have you got one? Can you start up from one? Have you found a real use for one? (NOTE - Listening to music doesn't count) Does it spend more time doing that than playing music? Are you listening to it at work? During working hours? Without wearing headphones? Do you feel smug? Do you know what A/ROSE is? Do you need it? Do you know you need it? Do you know why you need it? Have you tested to see if you really do need it? Do you know what DAL is? Do you use it? Do you know you use it? Do you know why you use it? Have you tested to see if you really do use it? Do you like using it? Do you know what A/UX is? Does anyone else you know? Have you installed it yourself? Successfully? Are you waiting for a release that will run on your hardware? On your Mac Plus? Do you think there'll be one? Soon? Ever? With an upgrade path from the Mac Plus thrown in? THE csm NEWSGROUPS Have you ever received an 'Excellent post, dude'? Do you read csm.advocacy? Do you use a Mac? Do you feel smug? Do you use any other make of computer? Is one of them an Amiga? Do you find mac.advocacy more interesting than amiga.advocacy? Because agreeing with yourself is boring? Because you've always wanted a Mac? But couldn't afford one? Until now? Do you think the Amiga's great for silent NTSC video work? Do you enjoy owning a pre-emptively multi-tasking television set? With no memory protection? Are the games great? But intellectually challenging? Did you buy a CDTV? Did you get rid of it eventually? Did they give it back? Is one of them a NeXT? Do you ever wish people read your own advocacy group? Have you ever pointed out that Jobs begat it NeXT? More than once? Did you vote for Perot? Do you think you're enlightened? Do you think you have a nice haircut? Do you feel really smug? Until someone points out NeXT stopped making hardware? And that NeXTStep runs faster on their PC? And that their PC cost less? Than NeXTStep? And that they can also run Microsoft applications? And that Windows came free? Even though that's all Windows is worth? And that even the OS/2 development kit is cheaper? Have you ever set the followup of a thread to csm.advocacy? Did it make its way back? Do you wonder why there isn't a comp.sys.ibm.pc.advocacy? Are you going to propose one? Do you envisage 'XXX million people can't be wrong' postings? Do you envisage having to crosspost to get a response? Did you post an April Fool announcement to csm.announce? Did you take the phone off the hook when people began ringing you about it? Do you think they have stopped ringing yet? Are you planning to post an April Fool announcement to csm.announce? Are you posting it now so that it gets everywhere in time for next April? Are you leaving your phone number off it? Do you read csm.hypercard? Do you have a good excuse? Did you vote for csm.powerbook? Because it was going to be called csm.powerbook? Are you happy it's called csm.portables? Do your posts to csm.portables say 'Subject: PowerBook'? Did you vote against csm.powerbook? Because it wasn't proposed as csm.portables? Because it wasn't proposed as csm.portable? Because it wasn't proposed as csm.duo? Do you read csm.wanted? For fun? To play 'spot the overpriced equipment'? Do you feel smug? To play 'spot the more-than-educational-price equipment' Using your free academic account? Do you feel extremely smug? To play 'spot the ftp-able software for sale'? Do you feel extremely smug indeed? Or simply clued in? ESSENTIAL READING Do you read Info-Mac digest? Just the new submissions bits? To see where your submissions have got to? Just the questions? For the humour content? Just the contents list? Do you know all the answers? But keep them to yourself? Do you feel smug? Do you know all the questions? Because you asked them the first time? Because you answered them the first time? And the second? And the third? Do you feel smug? Should you? Have you put the answers in a FAQ? Are you going to? Have you read TidBITS? With a setext reader? That you wrote? Are you working on an XTND setext translator? With HyperCard? Have you written for TidBITS? Do you like penguins? Did you read Vaporware? Do you miss it? Do you wish there was something to replace it? Are you thinking of writing a replacement? Do you read MacWorld? For fun? To play 'spot the mistake'? Do you make lists of the mistakes? In each issue? But only in the features tables? Do you send them in? Do they publish corrections? Do you feel smug? For free? Do you feel extremely smug? For money? Are you a sub-editor? Do you make lists of the mistakes? To put in each issue? Do you feel extremely smug indeed? Do you read MacUser (US)? Do you skip the last page? Only the last page? Do you read the last page? Only the last page? Because you're in search of the truth? Because you're in search of the news? Because you're a PC user in search of an excuse for reading MacUser? Because you're a personal admirer of John Dvorak? Because you're John Dvorak? Do you read MacUser (UK)? Do you have a good excuse? Do you think the shareware disks are a good deal? Do you think they're a better deal than they used to be? And that MacFormat's cover disks are responsible? Do you read MacFormat? Only to see if commercial software is on the coverdisk again? Do you buy MacFormat? Only for the commercial software that slips onto the coverdisk? ESSENTIAL VIEWING Are you tired of reading about 'Jurassic Park'? And 'The Firm'? And product placements in general? Do you have the '1984' advert? As a QuickTime movie? Without the documentary voiceover? Do you feel smug? SCREENSAVERS Have you seen 'Star Trek' running? On an Intel platform? Do you like it? Do you really think screensavers are necessary, though? Do you need a screensaver? Not now DarkStar has arrived? Do you use a screensaver? Has your screensaver ever crashed your Mac? Do you collect screensaver modules? Does your Mac spend most of its time being a platform for screensavers? Do you spend most of your time watching them? Do you feel smug? THE PRODUCTS IN DETAIL Do you have a Mac on order? Say how long it has been on order: At least 1 month? At least 3 months? At least 6 months? At least a year? Since they released it? Since they announced it? Since they leaked a rumour about it? Since they dropped it from the product line? Since you cancelled your last order? Did you buy a Mac LC? Did you buy a 12" monitor with it? Do you wish you hadn't? Did you find someone to sell it to? Did they buy it? Did they demand a refund? Did you give them the refund? Are you hoping ColorSync will make it look more like a monitor? Do you know it won't? Are you still using it? As a doorstop? Did you know it started life as an Apple II monitor? Do you wish you had before you bought it? Did you upgrade to an LC II? Do you think it seems faster? Are you suggestible? Do you think you've lost 2Mb of RAM? Do you think you've lost your money? Are you considering upgrading to an LC III? Do you wish you had more money to lose? Are you feeling smug about not upgrading to an LC II? Until you remember you'd have to buy new RAM? Until you remember you'd have to buy a new coprocessor? Until you remember you'd have to lose a floppy disk drive? Until you remember you'd have to get a new PDS card? Until you remember video depths will stay the same on your 12" monitor? Are you waiting for an LC IV? For an LC V? For an LC VI? Did you decide against buying a IIsi? Do you feel smug? Did you buy a Mac IIsi? Are you waiting for a logic board exchange upgrade? Do you think there'll be one? Soon? Ever? Has the sound stopped working? And started working again? And stopped working again? And started working again? Do you think this will ever stop? Do you know how to get it started again, though? Do you find it fretful? Have you cleaned your speaker contacts? Have you tinned your speaker contacts? Are you wearing headphones? Did you buy an expansion/coprocessor board? Have you got anything to plug into it? Will it work if you plug it in? Did you put in a faster timing crystal? Does your IIsi still work? Without a heatsink on the processor? Even when you plug in an expansion/coprocessor board? Without a heatsink on the coprocessor? Have you adjusted your disk cache? For optimum hard disk speed? For optimum video speed? For optimum floppy disk speed? Do you really think you've made a difference? Did you go back to System 6.0.7 or .8? And then realise that desktop file structure influenced hard disk speed? And go back to System 7? And install the Desktop Manager INIT? Do you feel smug? Did you buy a Colo(u)r Classic? Would you like a tilt/swivel stand? Will you legally require a tilt-swivel stand in the near future? Do you think it's ugly? Do you think it's very ugly? Do you think it's very ugly indeed? Do you think it's very, very ugly indeed? Could you design anything better-looking? Did you try? Was it the LC520? Were you wrong? Do you know anything about injection-moulding? Do you think there's a market in replacement cases? Did you buy a Quadra 900? Did it run TeachText really fast? How long before it ran anything else you used really fast: Two weeks? One month? Two months? Three months? A year? Still waiting? Did you buy a Quadra 950 instead? Do you feel smug? Because TeachText ran REALLY fast? Did you upgrade your 900 to a 950? Are you rich? Do you feel smug? Are you stupid? Do you worry about being called stupid? Even though you're obviously rich? Did you buy a Mac IIcx? Did you upgrade it to a Mac IIci? Do you have more than 1Mb of RAM in bank A? Do you wonder where the speed went? Are you considering upgrading to a Quadra 700? If you can find an upgrade kit? At a sensible price? Did you feel smug about not upgrading to a IIci? Until you installed more than 8Mb RAM? Did you install more than 8Mb RAM? And then ask for the 'clean ROM' upgrade? Did you get one? By any means necessary? Do you feel smug? And then install MODE32? Did you have to pay for it? Did you demand a refund when it was licenced for free? Did the extra restart panic you? Did you upgrade to System 7.1: because of AppleScript? because of WorldScript? because of QuickDraw GX? because of AOCE? because it was on the developers' CD-ROM? Do you feel smug? because of the 32-bit Enabler? Did you demand a refund? Because you found you'd have to buy a ROM upgrade as well? Did you go back to MODE32? Even though MODE32 caused the problems with the 32-bit Enabler? Do you have: The Speech Manager? And an av? Can you talk back? Have you shown it to everyone you know? The Thread Manager? And an application that uses it? Can you format floppies in the background? Have you shown it to all the Amiga and OS/2 users you know? The Drag Manager? And an induced tendency to trash unnecessary INITs? The Caffeine Manager? And an Apple Desktop Brew port? Have you found a use for them yet? Do you turn on your Mac by: Pressing the switch? Tapping the keyboard? Once you've remembered to press the switch? Lifting the lid? Calling it on the phone? Grounding the ADB power line with a home-built timer? Waiting for the 'On' time in the PowerOn control panel? Did you grumble about how your Lisa could do THAT? Did you throw out your alarm clock? Did you put SoundTracks into Startup Items? Did you put a CD in? WORDPROCESSING Do you use Microsoft Word? Do you wait for it to update the screen? And not only in preview mode? Do you wait for it to load? And not only off the server? Do you scroll backwards and forwards looking for the text lines it forgot? And not only in outline mode? Did you have to program around Word's use of the ToolBox? Did Microsoft apologise and say they'd fix it? Did you believe them? Did they fix it? The way you suggested? Did you have to program around the fix? Did you grumble about a human-interface quirk? Did Microsoft apologise and say they'd fix it? Did you believe them? Did they fix it? The way you suggested? Did you grumble about the fix? Did you grumble about a serious bug? Did Microsoft tell you not to use Outline mode? Did Microsoft apologise and tell you to turn 'Fast Save' off? Even though you'd installed the '...a' fast-save bug-fix? Even though you weren't using 'Fast Save'? Did Microsoft apologise and tell you to turn 32-bit addressing off? Even though then you wouldn't have enough memory to run Word? Without it crashing? Did Microsoft apologise and tell you to remove all your INITs? Even though you weren't using any? Because they told you that last time? Did Microsoft apologise and tell you to upgrade? Did they charge you for the upgrade? Did you bully them into giving you it for free? Did they bully you into paying for it? Did the upgrade fix it? Do you use MacWrite Pro? Were you expecting it to be released? Ever? Were you surprised nonetheless? Were you alpha- or beta-testing it? Were you expecting it to be released? Ever? Were you surprised nonetheless? Did you write some of it? Were you expecting it to be released? Ever? Were you surprised nonetheless? Did you recognise any of it as your work? Were you expecting a free upgrade? Did you get it? Do you feel smug? Did you pay for the upgrade by mistake? Did you get it ahead of everyone waiting for their free upgrades? On balance, do you feel smug? Are you still looking for the outliner? Do you use Nisus? Do you know anyone else who does too? Do they know anyone else who does too? Do you have some really neat setext-generating macros? Do you know what Nisus is? (HINT: See section heading) Lost your dongle yet? Do you use WordPerfect? Because your DOS-using colleagues do? And consistency across platforms increases work efficiency? Do you use WriteNow? Do you feel smug? Until you remember that it's going to be WordStar-compatible? Are you looking forward to not needing cursor keys? Do you know what ^K^K does? PRINTING Do you use a StyleWriter? Do you refill your own cartridges? With your own ink? Is the ink recycled? Did you have to ask someone for a syringe? Did they give you a dirty look? Did they give you a syringe? Did they also give you a needle? Did they also give you a lecture on dirty syringes? Did they also give you a health pamphlet? Do you use the StyleWriter II drivers? But still get 72dpi printout from your applications? But only the Microsoft applications? Even when you upgrade them? Did you wait for the StyleWriter II before buying? Do you feel smug? Do you really think a belt drive will last longer than a worm drive? Ever cleaned a head? And wished you hadn't? And wondered what all the fuss was about? Have you ever printed out any boxes with crosses through them? Do you know why? Does it bother you? Do you feel inferior? Only when GhostScript crashes? Because you didn't take off the menu-changing INITs? Or install the patch INIT? Only when GhostScript doesn't crash? Because you don't know how to use it? Will you only feel bothered when your everyone uses the v8.0 driver? With a Level 2 printer? With the right PPD? Successfully? Are you looking forward to QuickDraw GX? Do you think it will be called QuickDraw Pro? Do you think it will include the Line Layout Manager? Do you think it will include the new printing architecture? Do you think it will include the Chooser? Do you think it will speed up your Mac? Do you think it will ever be released? BYEGONES Do you miss the MiniFinder? Do you still use it? Do you miss the Sonic Finder? Do you still use it? Did you write the Sonic Finder as a summer project? Do you use the Chooser? Will you miss it? Do you use HyperCard? Will you miss it? Do you listen to MacinTalk? Can you understand it? Can you speak a reasonable imitation of it with your own voice? (NOTE: this is the Gnirut Test. If you can't, your Mac is smarter than you.) Are you listening to PlainTalk? Do you feel smug? Are you replying to it? Do you feel very smug indeed? CUSTOMIZING THE MAC Did you customize your Desktop Pattern? With ResEdit? With Wallpaper? Did you buy Wallpaper? Do you feel virtuous? Did you buy the extra patterns? Do you feel very virtuous indeed? With Desktop Textures? Did you ftp Desktop Textures? Do you feel discerning? Did you bother to pay for Desktop Textures? Do you feel discerning and virtuous? Do you feel smug? Did you wonder where your General Controls colour patterns went? Did you find out? By posting about it? Do you miss them? Do you use Greg's Buttons? But miss Oliver's? Are you scum? Are you indignant scum? Do you wish you were still scum? Are you indignant former scum? Do you want a refund? Do you use DoubleScroll? But miss Scroll2? Do you use NowMenus? But miss hierDA? Do you use SCSIProbe? But miss ADBProbe? Do you use TattleTale? But miss MacEnvy? Do you use GateKeeper? But miss Vaccine? And have fun with anything called '...Doubler'? Do you use System 7? But miss MultiFinder? But miss Switcher? Do you use Sound Manager 3.0? But miss all those neat game sounds? But miss the original Simple Beep? GETTING SHAREWARE (with thanks to Leo Breebaart) Do you know what macgifts@mac.archive.umich.edu is? Have you ever sent anything to macgifts? As a freeware author? Do you feel virtuous? As a shareware author? Do you feel hopeful? As an update or bugfix provider? For a commercial package? Do you feel you'll cut your firm's tech-support costs? And get your firm a reputation for good service? Are you aware just how forward-thinking you are? Are you flattered by our praise? Have you ever received anything from macgifts? As a subscriber? Even though you're not an archive site? Do you feel smug? Do you have enough spool space to handle it all? Do you feel extremely smug? Do you know what mac.archive.umich.edu is? Have you ever tried getting software from umich? Using ftp? Using gopher? Did you feel smug? Using AFS? Do you feel very smug indeed? Do you like typing directory paths that are longer than 128 characters? Do you wish the file descriptions in the digest postings were longer? Do you know what sumex-aim.stanford.edu is? Have you ever tried getting software from sumex? Using ftp? Did you get in? Did you feel smug? Did you settle for a mirror? Did you feel hard-done by? Using gopher? Did you get in? Did you feel smug? Did you donate money for the bigger disk? Do you feel smug now that they've got it? And there's room for your stuff from ftp.apple.com? Did you neglect to donate money for the bigger disk? Do you feel extremely smug now that they've got it anyway? Do you wish the file descriptions in the info-mac digest were shorter? Do you know what wuarchive.wustl.edu is? Do you look there first? Because it's faster? Because you can always get in? Because it's bigger? And it's got all the stuff the others have deleted? Including the original MacinTalk? Do you feel smug? Because the Amiga section has all the SoundTracker MODs? And you know how to convert them? [HINT: use MacLHA and FileTyper] Because the lag behind sumex and umich isn't that long? Just long enough for everyone else to find the new bugs? So that you don't waste your time upgrading? Do you feel smug? Do you know what ftp.apple.com is? Did you answer 'a IIci running A/UX'? Do you feel smug? Did you ever look for the System 6.0.8L disk images there? Did you ever look for the System 7.1 disk images there? Did you ever look for the WorldScript stuff you need there? Did you ever look for MacinTalk there? How many transfers did it take you to get the MacinTalk Pro voices: two? four? eight? still trying? Do you complain when ftp.apple.com goes down? Because you worry that it might not come back up? And then you'd never have a hope of finding System 7.1 for free? Because that's where you keep the software you use? Do you use these ftp sites regularly? Because you're passing the good stuff on to friends without net access? Do you feel virtuous? Because you're trying to stay on top of new releases? Do you like being at the cutting edge of shareware? Do you like being at the bleeding edge of shareware? Do you like beta-testing shareware? Do you like seeing your name in the 'with thanks to' sections? Do you feel smug? Do you feel virtuous? Because that's where all the software you use is kept? Which you delete whenever you've finished with it? Because you're too lazy to make your own goddamn backups? Does someone else pay your net access? Do you like wasting other people's resources? Do you need to get a life? GETTING A LIFE Do you own any Apple merchandising? Do you wear any Apple merchandising? Against your skin? Did you have to buy it? At outrageous prices from that cute little shop in Cupertino? As a condition of your contract of employment? Do you get people to crochet stuffed Apples for you? Did you have to pay them for it? Did you get a date out of them? Did she dump her boyfriend for you? Was it worth it? Is it a very nice stuffed Apple? Have you ever stuck an "I'd rather be a Macintosh" sticker on your forehead? Did anyone notice? Do they have photographic evidence? Are you being blackmailed? Has anyone with the address ...@apple.com ever answered one of your queries? Were you enlightened? Is that still their address? Have you ever answered a query from anyone with the address ...@apple.com? Were they enlightened? Is that still their address? Has your address ever been ...@apple.com? Are you enlightened? Are you underappreciated? Are you looking for work? Is that still your address? Are you overworked? Do you love it? Are you overpaid? Do you love it? Are you overweight? Do you love it? Are you oversexed? Do... oh, never mind. Are you normal? YOUR OVERALL REACTION [With thanks to Erik Speckman] Did you read the whole test? Just the bits you hadn't seen before? Just the bits referring to you? Just the bits not referring to you? Did you laugh? Because you got it? Because you wrote it? Because you caused it? Because everybody else was laughing? At you? Did you feel slighted? Because you didn't get it? Because it got at you? Can you prove it? Will you sue? Are you American? Do you know what to call ten dead lawyers? [HINT: A start.] Did you vote for one? Did you vote for two? Are you still laughing? Can you write cascades? Do you have something to add? END.